It's my life (again)

My life... it's something I learned to live with, though I hate it.
I'm basically a rebel without a cause, stuck in this world with no particular reason. I'm a nobody, but I'm evil. One part is a pacifist, the one I was till 10 years, this one yearns not to kill anyone. Ultimate result: I kill myself.
Atleast I'll satisfy my ego by killing someone (who cares if that someone is me?)
I'm too ego maniacal (as JR would call it) to let God (which I don't believe in) (but I do believe he exists, just not believe IN him) decide how my life will end.
I chanced to read this book called 5 Point Someone... it told a lot of story. The fact that I'm no good in studies is hitting me slowly... that's partially my fault.. I've proven to myself that I can study if I put in effort... but I'm just too lazy to do that. Why the hell should I?
I should've taken Iyer's advice to leave PS and gone to PSBB when I had the chance... but the other fact that PS is and will always be my home kicks in. My close friends know my last wish, that is if I were to die, I want to be buried in PS grounds.
Let me start a story, one about a meek little boy...
This boy had no friends, he was too shy and afraid of everyone. He was little, and was the youngest in his family. His closest relatives were atleast 10 years older than him. He had no one he could talk to. He didn't like his parents. His parents were the best at one thing... making him want something, denying it and after he lost interest in it, giving it to him. He absolutely hated that. He still does.
Then came school. School was his haven. He had people he could call friends. He could be one among many. He was not left out. That brought immense happiness to him. This boy was typically a lazy boy. He could care less of what was going on around him, as long as it didn't directly affect him. He was very selfish.
He had to live up to great expectations, though his own were not much. He was sick and tired of being told not good enough. Plus, his family forced him into religions, which he despised. The reason being this...
The boy longed and longed for school, especially the first day of school, where he can catch a last bench under the fan and meet new friends and teachers. His father's native place is at some shitty place near Kumbakonam. He invariably was dragged to that wretched temple every year atleast twice. One of those will always coincide with the first day of school. The boy hated it. He hated religion. He still will not forget that he was absent when a new teacher became his class teacher, and told his class the story of "Jack The Ripper" and since all seats were taken, he had to sit next to a geek of all people... NK.
He was fed up with how his life had been going. He vowed to do everything his way. The way he wanted to. He was made a rebel. One who can make you cry.
End of story. If you still haven't realized who that boy was ... it's me. Who else would this self-centered ego maniac take the pains to type stories about?
"Life sucks and then you die" became very true for him. My life turned upside down when I came into 11th. I was flunking badly in my studies. But then again, I never cared about it, then why this sudden feeling? It's cause I'm sick and tired of all the nerds in my class. I'm not saying you can't study or anything, it's just it puts me off to see people study like they've got nothing else to do in front of me. There's something called a life... go live it.
I guess only Sandeep can relate to this...
I refuse to let anybody else control MY destiny. Hell, I'm planning to drop my name Vignesh for "V" since my parents chose it, and not me.
I'm going crazier by the minute... especially after taking medication, my minds gone loony... for some stupid reason, I feel like laughing all the time, which I generally don't.
It's like I keep losing the reason to live for every now and then, and suddenly become hyperactive.
I'm still searching the meaning of life. If anyone already knows the truth behind life, help me.