It's My Life

I don’t know why or how, but I’m pretty sure I’ve become a mere shell of what I was a few years ago. Till my 13th birthday, I was just about average as the next human being on this Earth. But that fateful day, February 27th 2004, I lost all hope. It was exactly one year from that day that I began watching WWE. I became a fanatic of WWE since that day and the coming into power of the CAS made me go insane! There were rumours that it would return back to how it was for almost half a year. So I kept praying … praying to God that STBs would become obsolete. One of my friends even said it would happen on my 13th birthday, so I waited and waited. It never happened. I lost all my faith in God. I became a pawn to my emotions, I lost all control of my emotions. From that day, only 2 emotions governed me - happiness (which I rarely came accross) and grief. The rest was all an obsession.

I grew up with a lot of bad memories. My past is not one of good memories, the bad memories outweigh the good ones. My mother had 2 elder sisters and a younger sister and a younger brother, both of which whose children were born in 1999. My father was the second youngest of 8 children. The result —> I was the youngest in my family for several years.

Usually, the youngest child always had it’s way, but not me. I had to sacrifice a lot of things for the sake of my cousins (I have a lot of em). I remember very clearly, when I was 2 years old, my aunt introduced me to a computer, and I quickly became so used to it that it became my life. I was introduced to “The Net” when I was 4 or 5. Back in the day, I had a shitty slow dial-up connection and my aunt was showing me how to use it. My cousin sister wanted to look up something on Princess Diana while I wanted to see something about a cartoon. I never did get to see it.

I always longed for a sibling, but I had only my cousins to put up with. I’m not saying my cousins were mean to me or anything, infact they used to care for me a lot.

I lived a very sheltered life for a long, long time. I was a victim of so many diseases. I used to fall sick so very often. Believe me, I have never written more than 2 terminal exams in my 1st, 2nd and 4th stds. In my 3rd, I never wrote any of them. I also ate only rice and chips. Although I blame my mother for not correcting me when she had the chance, I know I am to blame. (reminds me of a tamil proverb - 5il valaiyadhadhu 50il valaiyadhu)

Since I barely got to go to school or even outside my house, I had no friends for a long time. I had no siblings either. I was alone. The year 2000 was like a gateway to me. The new millennium dawned in front of me like I always wished. During my 4th to 5th std. holidays, I was on medication for some strepto cocci bacteria that caused my repetetive illness. I was a lot better than I had ever been when I entered my 5th std.

The teacher made us stand in height order to arrange our seating. I remember so clearly, when I first made a friend, Shridhar. If you’re actually bothering to read this whole thing, thanks for being my friend. But good always comes with bad. Ironically, it was the guy standing between myself and Shridhar who introduced us to each other. That guy was Ashwin. I’ve never got along with him, and it continues to stay that way. We will only remain on the same side if we’re facing a greater evil which requires both of us coming together.

I had 5 amazing friends, Shridhar, Sharan, Gokul, Amogh and Arjun throughout the years of schooling. If you’re all reading this, thanks for all you’ve done. To quote Bryan Adams, “those were the best days of my life!”

In the holidays between 5th and 6th std.s, I got a broadband connection. That turned my whole life around. Till that day, my computer’s sole purpose was for games, but then, it opened a portal to a whole new dimension. I used the net for so much research. I was hooked on to Wikipedia like a leech! I thrived on the info I got. My computer became an obsession, it became my life. My parents were seriously worried about me, so they locked my computer in a room. But “NOBODY COULD STOP ME”!!! I would somehow manage to find the key, wherever they hid it.

Being an only child, I had noone whom I could really converse with, seeing there’s a 10 year gap between me and the nearest cousin in terms of age. Chillu doesn’t count, he’s a second cousin. I treated my computer as a sibling, and my computer became my life. I don’t know what brought about the depression in my life. Was it the loss of TV, which was once my life? Or was it because I became all philosophical and started brooding over the ultimate question of life? My hatred for religion also butts in. Back when I was a little kid of 5 years, my aunt (who is VERY devoted and religious) used to make me sit with her and meditate and say all slokas. How could someone like that develop such an aversion to hatred?

The reason is quite simple… since I had nothing to do at home, I used to like going to school. My family always went to the temple at our native place every year atleast once. Invariably, atleast one day of school used to get cut by this.

If anyone still remembers this… I was absent on the first day of school of 7th std. The day when Iyer told our class the story of Jack The Ripper. From then on, I never went to that temple except once and that too only for my sister.

With my new found hatred towards religion to fuel me, I continued with my life. The eternal question of why I was destined to live and why couldn’t I just die lingered on. I believe that there’s a supreme force which shapes our destiny and all, but exaggerating it and celebrating it is out of the question. Just think of me like a Jedi.

I also vowed that if I knew that I was going to die, I’d kill myself before that happens… just to prove that I have my life in MY hands and not in that supreme power’s. I like debating a lot. I could argue and argue and argue for hours together, and that became my hobby when there was no proper TV. I’ve argued with my parents a lot of times just for the heck of it. I’ve got a really big ego and I believe that I am the king of all I see. So if you disagree with me, prepare for a verbal battle with me!

With no TV(not really no TV, but no worthwhile TV), I turned to music. Music is one of the things I still have interest in. I still can name a few songs that I’d never forget - … Baby One More Time, Bring Me To Life, Broken and It’s My Life. I don’t know if it’s because of my character that I like dark and emo songs or have the songs made my character. Pretty confusing. I can probably give the lyrics of a few songs, which alone would tell a lot of my life than this post could.

Maybe it’s due to my Piscean nature I’m so dreamy and out of this world, but I really tend to dream on and on. I practically live in the future and brood over my past, thinking nothing about the present. I don’t know why, but I always have a feeling of Deja Vu once in a while. I always get confused between my dreams and reality. It’s like I’m hanging on the thin line of reality and imagination. I don’t know how this thought came to me, but I have had this feeling that I’m really a time traveller who’s got his mind wiped by the people who sent me to this past and am waiting for some event to trigger my memories. Call me crazy, but that’s what I believe in.

I’ve lost all interest in life, and everything it had to offer. I’m hardly on the computer, and studies is the only thing keeping me going. I’m still waiting for something in the future that would set me right, back to the way I once was. I’m hoping for too much, but I’d really like to come face to face with myself, a self of mine who is travelling from my bleak future to set things right.

There are probably a lot more, but at present, these lyrics will suffice:

“We’ve been dreaming
But who can deny,
It’s the best way of living
Between the truth and the lies” Within Temptation - See Who I Am

“I’ve been dreaming for so long,
To find a meaning
To understand.
The secret of life,
Why am I here
To try again?

Will I always,
Will you always
See the truth
When it stares you in the face?
Will I ever
Will I never free my self
Breaking these chains?” Within Temptation - Jillian

“You took my heart
Deceived me right from the start
You showed me dreams
I wished they’d turn to real
You broke the promise
And made me realise
It was all just a lie” Within Temptation - Angels

“I fear who I am becoming
I feel that I am losing, the struggle within
I can no longer restrain it
My strength it is fading
I have to give in

It’s the fear…
Fear of the dark
It’s growing inside of me
They won, they will come to life
Have to save…
Save my beloved
There is no escape
Because my fate is horror and doom” Within Temptation - It’s The Fear

Description: Your inner soul is saying SCREW YOU! For some reason you gave up caring about things. You use to be warm and loving, but now you've started crusting over to a cold, hardcore bitch who doesn't take crap from anybody! Even though you try not to show emotions, you desperately want to let loose and go wild! You have an attitude that makes you irresistible to others and you are the one usually to take charge of situations. Deep down inside, though you repel people, all you want is that someone who will understand and wont turn away/ignore you like everyone else does. You want to be able to reach out and love them, but, you just cant for some reason You have created an icy barrier that shields you from reality, from what you don't want to believe. No one seems to understand you; not many can see past that barrier and see you, a hurt person just yearning to be able to embrace another or fit in! You tend to shy away from things; rejecting events/people bitterly and mouthing off anything that lurks in your mind at the time. You also tend to use humor or physical contact as a defense mechanism to protect anyone from seeing your pain. You convince yourself you're not afraid of anything or anyone, but in reality you're so insecure! All you want is someone to finally understand, see past that ice and hopefully even melt the shield. You just want comfort, you want that genuine someone! A person who likes you for you and understands what you've gone through or are going through. Underneath that cold exterior lies a warm, happy soul that wants to let loose and have fun! Your sanctuary would probably be any damn place you feel like being at! You can remain the same, but until you actually let your guard for once, youll never see what lives beyond the lies. Even if letting people in will cause some distress and pain, its all worth it in the end. At least youll know youre living a real life

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Quote: The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness, also keeps out the joy
(Jim Rohn)

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Poem Verse:

No where to run, Never a place to hide,
I stand there alone, always alone,
Not a soul in sight, not one ever by my side
(DieColdHearted)

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Symbol: Ice (cold, and can be bitter at times)

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+



Description: Your inner soul is calling for help! Everyday you wonder why you are still here when there is nothing left. You use to once be a happy, loving soul, but it was damaged by 'them' and seems like it never can be fixed again. You've been hurt, abused, and damned far too much for you to handle it all anymore! No one understands you because theyre too scared to get to know you! You want to finally give up; just escape and rid of all your pain. You want people to understand, you want comfort... You tend to bottle up all of your emotions and problems, hoping that theyll all go away But you long to reach out and tell that one special person all of your feelings and troubles! But you never seem to have that person to talk to, or they just dont seem to want to hear you! You like expressing yourself in many ways; whether it be through your emotions, words, art, or even physically. You also enjoy nice quiet sceneries that just dazzle your mind with awe. You want a normal and happy life. You always feel this sense of loneliness clouding over your head, though surrounded by several people. None of them know you; you feel as though no one can relate to you. You want understanding, you want that friend, and you want that perfect life! Your sanctuary would probably be any place where you can be alone and hide out, such as your bedroom... You may be tough at times and try to prevent yourself from crying on the outside.... But your heart is always crying on the inside... Try to loosen up and have some fun! Never start frowning because you never know who's falling in love with your smile :)

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Quote: Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart
(unknown)

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Poem Verse:

But finally, after all the tears, Ive drowned
After all the cuts, blood still runs down
The distance between us is hurting; my heart seared,
But the closeness was what really killed me, what I really feared
(DieColdHearted)

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Symbol: A tear (sign of strength, yet it contains pain)

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+