In gratitude...

Today was the most awful day in my whole life. I had posted earlier that my close friend had suffered from a spinal cord dislocation, and had to undergo a major operation. He had recovered well, and crossed the critical 48 hour period. Yesterday night, there arose a complication and a blood clot developed in his spinal cord. The doctors said that he had only 48 hours to live and that it would be an absolute miracle if he survived. I got this news today morning as I was coming to school. I could hardly contain my tears, and kept wondering what sort of a friend I was. Ish had flown in from the States yesterday night and was the one who gave me this news

During lunch break today, I got the news that Udit had passed away. That did the tearworks, the dam broke loose and I completely lost control of where I was and what I was doing. As I came out of my class, shamelessly crying, all I could think of was that I could never see him again, never hear him talk

When people told me that the loss of a loved one would really leave an emptiness in your heart, I didnt really understand what they meant. But now I know. Udit was like a brother I never had. Though shorter than me, he was ever the over protective friend, always concerned about me and all.. To top things, we had a discussion on what life was, in class today. I was restraining myself from getting up to speak, but somehow just couldnt control it when Anirudh commented that life was basically worthless. I got up and said that life was a calculated risk, without an insurance cover. Subhashini maam asked me as to why I said so, and I just told her about what was going on. I couldnt control myself and broke down in front of the class. This has never happened before in my life. I do not belong to the class of people who think that crying in front of others is emabarassing, but at the same time, it mattered no more... I completely lost it when Subhashini maam ended our discussion by saying that, even though none of the people in my class really knew who my friend was, when I spoke about him in class, everyone must have felt sorry at least for a second, considering the influence he had on me. It is not everyday that someone chokes over a friend, especially in a coed school and breaks all barriers to speak out in the open about it. For this, I thank her.

But most of all I gotta thank my friends, Jaya, Swetha, Pavithra, Vaaruni, Lakshmi, Shruthi, Smruthi, everyone who helped me get through this. I wouldnt be here this mentally stable if it werent for these people, and for this, I owe them big time. The very fact that there were there for me at a time when I needed them the most is more than enough for me. As the day proceeded, I would start crying every now and then, childish of me, but nevertheless, every little thing that reminded me of Udit brought the waterworks to my eyes.

During lunch break, when I got the news, I just completely suffered a nervous breakdown. I was hysterical almost, and if it werent for my friends, I would have probably broken a glass pane with my hand or something...

Udit is gone now. Far from reach. The last time he was concious was two days back, when they made a video of him, and all he did was ask for me and Ish. I didnt go there in person, I talked with over the phone... Yesterday, the last thing Udit heard before he drifted off into coma, was a poem I had written for him, a week back, only never to realize that that would be the last thing he would hear All I can think of now is how Udit used to cheer me up when I was down. I will never again hear his voice telling me " Besan, ye tho teek hai. Kuch nahi hoga.... Tujhe eisa hona nahi chahiye... Get out of it dear... Now up and about Shru"

Its up and about Udit, get up and come back for me...... I

'll never have him ruffle my hair up only to get chased around the school for it
I'll never see any of his witty comments, some nice and funny, and some lame on my blog.
I'll never shriek at him to get a life for irritating me.

But I really wish I could... My friend told me this, and I take it to heart..

" I agree it is depressing, to lose a loved one. Iam not gonna ask you not to cry. I am just gonna ask you not to feel guilty. After all he wouldnt want you to do so. Maybe he's still there near you, in ur heart or in the skies saying ' Besan.... Thujhe eisa hona nahi chahiye..."

Am I mad, 'cos I am not really able to thrive on the everlasting happy memories I shared with him?

As I write this, Udit is being cremated. As cliched as it sounds, I dedicate this post to Udit's memory, and to all my friends, who helped me through this... I originally posted this in my blog, but somehow, its not posting.

I just wanted to vent out somewhere... Sorry if I bored some of u with all this...